Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
try to milk me bitch
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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