Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
