I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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