I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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