I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
