so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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