take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
