Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
