wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
