You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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