Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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