a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
