you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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