Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
