speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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