I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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