she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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