She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
