Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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