You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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