my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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