some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
