Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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