I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
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I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window