Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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