It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
