We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
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Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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