Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
