you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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