i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
