1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
