Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It was like giving head to a cactus.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
