Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
