all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
