Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
