Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
