Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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