well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
