she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
