Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
