i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
