normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
