he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
