she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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