I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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