It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
