we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
