i used baking grease as lip gloss
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
