when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
