If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
