i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
