I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
