mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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