The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
