The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
