can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
