you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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