She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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